Halls Across America

Two adults, a twenty-something, two teenagers and two rabbits get into a car… and the rest is one long punchline.

Category: roadblocks

CA to MA, by the numbers

Number of Halls in our party when we left: (including bunnies)

Days on the road: 17

Number of hotels slept in: 11

Number of states visited: 13 (CA, NV, ID, WY, SD, MN, WI, IL, IN, OH, PA, CT, MA)

Total miles traveled: 3,732.6

Truck’s approximate average mpg: (8 without drafting, 10 with drafting)

Approximate number of Friends episodes watched in the car: 1,000,000

Number of Halls in our party when we arrived: (including a couple of Hall progenitors we picked up in Connecticut)


Casualties of the trip

We’ve arrived in sunny Massachusetts! (Darn, I have to relearn how to confidently spell Massachusetts.) And now, a moment of silence for the things we’ve lost along the way:

  • Amanda’s iPhone’s home button functionality
  • One of Amanda’s Friends DVDs
  • Those two pieces of French toast that Ali accidentally put vinegar on thinking it was syrup
  • That baked potato Kim put tartar sauce on
  • Healthy eating habits
  • Many hours of sleep
  • Some of Ali’s ear flesh
  • Kim’s toenail

And finally,

  • The wallpaper under the sink at the Ramada Inn in Indianapolis. Apparently ugly wallpaper is like crack to rabbits.

Select quotes from our visit to the SPAM Museum

Alissa: “Why are we here?”

“Well, we had to get gas, and it’s right there…”


Perky greeter: “Can I interest you in some SPAMples?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”

Amanda: “…………………………………………..no thanks.”

Yeah, you’ll have to brainwash me first. Like you seem to have done to this cheery, dead-eyed lady cutout.


Kim, upon viewing the phrase “pork packers” on a wagon replica (pictured above): “Hey, you could shorten that to ‘porkers’! Hahahaha”

Amanda: “Yes, that would be quite the porkmanteau.* HAHAHAHA”

*This is a play on the word “portmanteau.” Full disclosure, I had to look up the exact definition of portmanteau to make sure I was using it right. Jokes are funniest when you have to explain them, right? Thought so.


Informational placard: “Whatever you’ve heard is in SPAM luncheon meat, isn’t! Many people have made jokes about what’s in SPAM, but the ingredients list is actually short and straightforward.” [Sure.]

…because what sober person would consent to eating SPAM?


50s housewife cutout, to her husband: “What can I do for my lord and master?”

Husband: “Cook that SPAM bake a little faster!” 

Maybe she’s being sarcastic. Or maybe the 50s were the worst.


Well, it was no potato museum, but on the bright side, we didn’t stay very long.

First day of travel, by the numbers

  • Miles traveled before a progress-impeding technical difficulty: 23
  • Number of car repair professionals required to get us on the road: 4
  • Miles traveled before stopping for a meal: 38
  • Maximum speed (in mph) traveled in our truck: 70 (speed limit with a trailer in mph: 55)
  • Total miles traveled: 150
  • Percent of hotel rooms we booked that housed rabbits: 50%
  • Percent of our rabbits that got loose in the hotel room: 50%
  • Minutes it took for the rabbit to escape: .0000001
  • Minutes it took to catch the rabbit: 20
  • Number of rabbit abduction professionals required to get the rabbit back in its cage: 4
  • Hours of sleep allotted to recover from the above: 3

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