Halls Across America

Two adults, a twenty-something, two teenagers and two rabbits get into a car… and the rest is one long punchline.

Category: roadblocks

CA to MA, by the numbers

Number of Halls in our party when we left: (including bunnies)

Days on the road: 17

Number of hotels slept in: 11

Number of states visited: 13 (CA, NV, ID, WY, SD, MN, WI, IL, IN, OH, PA, CT, MA)

Total miles traveled: 3,732.6

Truck’s approximate average mpg: (8 without drafting, 10 with drafting)

Approximate number of Friends episodes watched in the car: 1,000,000

Number of Halls in our party when we arrived: (including a couple of Hall progenitors we picked up in Connecticut)

Advertisements

Casualties of the trip

We’ve arrived in sunny Massachusetts! (Darn, I have to relearn how to confidently spell Massachusetts.) And now, a moment of silence for the things we’ve lost along the way:

  • Amanda’s iPhone’s home button functionality
  • One of Amanda’s Friends DVDs
  • Those two pieces of French toast that Ali accidentally put vinegar on thinking it was syrup
  • That baked potato Kim put tartar sauce on
  • Healthy eating habits
  • Many hours of sleep
  • Some of Ali’s ear flesh
  • Kim’s toenail

And finally,

  • The wallpaper under the sink at the Ramada Inn in Indianapolis. Apparently ugly wallpaper is like crack to rabbits.

Select quotes from our visit to the SPAM Museum

Alissa: “Why are we here?”

“Well, we had to get gas, and it’s right there…”

***

Perky greeter: “Can I interest you in some SPAMples?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”

Amanda: “…………………………………………..no thanks.”

Yeah, you’ll have to brainwash me first. Like you seem to have done to this cheery, dead-eyed lady cutout.

***

Kim, upon viewing the phrase “pork packers” on a wagon replica (pictured above): “Hey, you could shorten that to ‘porkers’! Hahahaha”

Amanda: “Yes, that would be quite the porkmanteau.* HAHAHAHA”

*This is a play on the word “portmanteau.” Full disclosure, I had to look up the exact definition of portmanteau to make sure I was using it right. Jokes are funniest when you have to explain them, right? Thought so.

***

Informational placard: “Whatever you’ve heard is in SPAM luncheon meat, isn’t! Many people have made jokes about what’s in SPAM, but the ingredients list is actually short and straightforward.” [Sure.]

…because what sober person would consent to eating SPAM?

***

50s housewife cutout, to her husband: “What can I do for my lord and master?”

Husband: “Cook that SPAM bake a little faster!” 

Maybe she’s being sarcastic. Or maybe the 50s were the worst.

***

Well, it was no potato museum, but on the bright side, we didn’t stay very long.

First day of travel, by the numbers

  • Miles traveled before a progress-impeding technical difficulty: 23
  • Number of car repair professionals required to get us on the road: 4
  • Miles traveled before stopping for a meal: 38
  • Maximum speed (in mph) traveled in our truck: 70 (speed limit with a trailer in mph: 55)
  • Total miles traveled: 150
  • Percent of hotel rooms we booked that housed rabbits: 50%
  • Percent of our rabbits that got loose in the hotel room: 50%
  • Minutes it took for the rabbit to escape: .0000001
  • Minutes it took to catch the rabbit: 20
  • Number of rabbit abduction professionals required to get the rabbit back in its cage: 4
  • Hours of sleep allotted to recover from the above: 3

Reaction shot: